Deployment Log, Day 151:

1. I am confident that before this deployment is over, I will have a week when I can write, “Hey friends! It was kind of a chill week. Nothing profound or semi ridiculous happened. The end.”

2. But this week was not that week.

3. Things were off to a great start. I got my final paper submitted for this class 5 days early on Monday. Which meant I get five extra days of spring break.

4. Yes, it was 32 pages long. Yes, the minimum required was 10 page. And for those folks who say less is more, I get it. But my prof for this class isn’t in that school of thought. More is more, apparently, because I got 249 out of 250 points on the final. Somehow, amid all the chaos of the last 8 weeks, I only dropped EIGHT points out of 1010 for this class. Which means I finished with a 99.2%. THANK YOU LORD! (ItsAllJesusYo)

5. So Wednesday was a great day. Everyone was healthy, I had a great boxing class (although I think our boxing coach was trying to break us… It’s a “fun” class, but we were too chatty, so he made us do burpees. WHAT?!?!)

6. My Dad (Paw-Paw) arrived on Wednesday afternoon! I was so happy I *almost* cried.

7. THEN Thursday showed up. (Ready for this?) I hadn’t made any “plans” with Dad since the events of the last two months have forced me to be super flexible and live by the no-plan-plan more than I ever have in my life (completely not by my choice!) Wednesday morning when I woke up, the left side under my tongue was a bit swollen. Annoying, but didn’t think much of it.

8. I woke up Thursday and my face had started to swell. Neat. Underneath the left side of my chin was a swollen lump that was pretty dang sore. My gut (Jesus?) said I needed to be an adult and get it checked out sooner than later. My gut (Jesus?) also said that it was a clogged salivary gland that had quickly gotten infected (Never happened before and really random, so why I thought that is beyond me). I was hoping for antibiotics and moving on with life.

9. Thus began the chaos. We went to urgent care because when I first called my primary doc, they couldn’t see me till Tuesday. The urgent care clinician on duty was not a very nice or compassionate woman. (Can I call her a heifer??) She came in the room, looked at it for about 2.5 seconds and said she wasn’t “even going to touch it” (Literally or figuratively). I tried to talk to her and she kept shutting me down. I was hoping that we could try the antibiotic route then panic later if it didn’t work in a day or two, but no dice.

10. She immediately got all dramatic and said I needed to get a STAT CT Scan that day. Then she started writing paperwork (that she handed back to me, printed out) with words on it like “large mass,” and “suspicious mass.” Which of course flared up my anxiety (happy pills can only work to a point!) I feel like her bedside manner could have been MUCH better and helped the whole process, maybe saying something like, “It is likely that is a clogged gland, not the C-word. Let’s get you started on antibiotics but also get a CT scan just to be safe.” Oh well I guess.

11. So for the rest of the day, Dad and I ran around like crazy (stressed out) people doing all the doctor things. God’s hand was all over that day, in spite of how I was feeling (stressed, scared, tired). Here’s how I know:

*I was able to get a CT scan at 1pm that afternoon, on this side of town, just 7 min from the kids school.

*We started out the day with Malick in tow but when we learned we would be spending our day in docs offices and the sweet boy is impossible to control in tight spaces, we dropped him off at his school- it was a miracle they had on-the-spot space.

*The fact that dad was here to help/support was a true miracle and blessing.

*When I first made the call to the CT place, I forgot to tell them it was “stat” order, so when I called them back, they moved the appt to the closer-to-our-house location, saving us a good hour of driving that we didn’t really have to spare (since I still had to pick Charis up from kindergarden at 3:25pm).

*The CT nurse/doc was super nice and funny. She was very kind and kept checking on me to ask if I was ok because I was “breathing so deep.” (I was really trying to keep my wits about me. When I started to cry (from stress and feeling so rotten) on the CT table, she handed me Kleenexes and comforted me.

*When I stopped by the office of my primary care doc, they were able to squeeze me in towards the end of the day. And the CT results were sent to them right in the middle of my appt time.

*Dad and I were able to divide and conquer, so Charis could still go to ballet and I could go to my primary doc appt that afternoon.

*For some reason, God had prompted me to go THAT DAY and not wait. And that was a miracle because I usually want to “wait and see” hoping things get better. If I wouldn’t have gone through all that hoopla that day, I truly believe I would have ended up in the ER that night. Because when we finally got home (with meds) after almost 10 hrs of doctor stuff, the fever hit me like a freight train. Apparently, I was heading towards being one very sick mama.

*This all didn’t happen last week when I was by myself with the kids and trying to do finals week homework. Because I would have also been in serious trouble.

*IT WAS NOT CANCER.

*They also blood-tested me for mumps (!?!?) I haven’t gotten the results yet, but good grief. I have been vaccinated, but apparently that is making a comeback regardless.

See? God’s hand. All. Over. It. (But it still wasn’t enjoyable!)

12. End of the day, primary doc got my CT scan results and boom– yes, clogged submandibular (fun word) salivary gland. He put me on heavy duty antibiotics and gave me a narcotic pain killer.

13. It’s now been two days later, and the swelling is going down significantly. I could also see where it was clogged under my tongue yesterday… which finally started to, um, “release.” Let’s just say it is gross and leave it at that, eh?

14. Super grateful I’m not a cow (or horse, dog, cat, etc). And that I didn’t have to go to the vet. Because they probably would have lanced it. YIKES.

15. If you don’t know what lancing is, don’t google it (or maybe google it, but I wouldn’t recommend you-tubing it unless you have a strong stomach).

16. Dad was worried why I wasn’t eating much, but I told him in rancher terms, I was like a sick cow… Whenever there is a major infection anywhere in her body, she goes off feed (which is usually how you know they are sick). I did manage to choke down some W30 chicken soup so I could take my meds and not yak.

17. So yes, I am now hopefully on the mend, and Dad and I are able to slowly adventure. We explored Fort Bliss yesterday and took the kids to the Farmer’s Market today. We also just took a two-hour nap. AWESOME! Also, we have now entered into the stage that eating out with Malick is about as much fun as having a blocked salivary gland.

18. Prayer requests: For real, HEALTH ON THIS HOUSEHOLD, that this infection permanently leaves my body in Jesus name, and Dad and I can still have fun in spite of these unpredictable circumstances.

19. Parting thought: “I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.” ~Jeremiah 31:25

***

GUYS. GUYS! LOOK WHO I FOUND TODAY!!!#PawPawMeetsElPaso #ImNotCryingYoureCrying #IDidntReallyCryButItWouldHaveBeenOkIfIDid

Oh this girl! Wednesday was her golden birthday (turning 6-years-old on the 6th of March) and she brings such joy to our hearts and entertainment to our home… In honor of her special day, here’s a couple of the most recent Charis-isms that made me chuckle.

“Mama, why doesn’t celery start with an S? That letter C is so tricky. It needs to back off and just give the letter K a chance!”

“Mama, are those statues that look like people made out of dead people?”

Deployment Log, Day 145:

1. Well, we had a solid 10-day run of no one being sick. Then on Tuesday night, Malick decided it was time to shake things up. AGAIN.

2. Between Malick getting whatever virus-y bug Tues-Thursday, (It wasn’t an ear infection, surprisingly) then Charis getting the same exact thing on Thursday night to TBD, then on Thursday I got ANOTHER cold, I have officially declared WAR on the germs in our house.

3. Seriously. Between the three of us, this marks EIGHT (8!?!?!) rounds of sickness since Jan 5. We’ve never in my life been this ill this much. (Charis is in the lead with 4X, Malick and I are tied with 2X each). I’m all about being an overachiever but this is ridic.

4. So yesterday, I got angry (not at the kids, thankfully). At the germs. I went on a Lysol cleaning rampage. There was something extremely satisfying about spraying every doorknob and light switch with Lysol spray. I felt like a weird version of an Old Wild West gunslinger. *Spray* BOOM! Take that! *Spray* KA-CHOW!!!! If only I had a gun holster that the Lysol bottle would fit in…

5. No, I did not spray the children. Tempting, but I recall something in the Bible about having self-control…

6. I washed all the linens, blankets, rugs, and threw away tooth brushes again. It’s on, yo.

7. I’m glad no one decided to just randomly “drop by” yesterday. Because my frenetic state would have likely scared them. My advice would have been to treat me like a high school math class… Avoid eye contact and remain still/silent. Otherwise they would get voluntold to participate.

8. Charis was still low-grade feverish yesterday, so while I debated sending her to “Date Night” care (first Saturday of each month) I couldn’t in good conscious do it. Ironically, I wanted to send her so I could write a big final paper for my ETHICS class.

9. I did send Malick, because I can sort of write with Charis present, but not with him. I was able to get a good chunk cranked out in about 3 ish hours (14 pages done, out of the minimum of 10. Probably 8 ish more pages to go to meet the subject requirements). It was hard to concentrate with her mulling around even with a show on the TV. And me trying to write doctoral level research-y writing with a cold. But at least a good chunk of the paper now exists. That’s my typical writing strategy. Just get it out/down, then edit/clean up later after it has marinated.

10. The enemy is really starting to tick me off. I am preaching today (Yay!) so it comes as no surprise for the chaos and challenges of this week (Boo!) Same thing happened when I preached in late January. Does Satan think I’m gonna give up? IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, BRUH. BACK OFF, ya big jerkface!!!

11. If you’ve never heard Kermit the Frog preach the word of God, I invite you to come to Paseo Church this afternoon at 3pm. Because with this cold I still have, it’s gonna be a thing. (And of course, this message includes short bits where I am supposed to sing. This is gonna be rich).

12. GREAT NEWS that is keeping me going: MY DAD IS COMING FOR HIS ANNUAL VISIT THIS WEEK!!!!! After a variety of life events, I didn’t think he was gonna make it. But last minute, he’s coming to play for a week. And it falls during my spring break from school, so we can just explore, nap and enjoy the great West Texas weather. I’m so excited, because it is literally the highlight of my year!!

13. If you see Charis, don’t tell her Paw-Paw is coming. I’m trying to keep it a surprise since he is flying in on her 6th birthday this week. But I’m so pumped, I think I might slip. GAH.

14. Prayer requests: SERIOUSLY, for health on this household!!!! Please, please, PLEASE for these babies (and me) to stop getting sick. I’m so hopeful that the warmer weather here is going to be a game changer very soon. Also, pray for mental clarity this afternoon as I preach… I don’t feel too bad, but my brain is a bit sluggish between this constant cold/sinus headache and the meds I’m taking to fight them. Prayers that I can knock out the rest of my final paper tomorrow. Mama’s mind, soul and body needs an (extended) spring break really bad! Safe and uneventful travels for my Dad on Wednesday, that our time together be rich, run and restful. And of course, for perseverance… We continue to press on, in spite of the challenges (your prayers, encouragement and blessing boxes have been, well, such a blessing!)

15: Parting thought: “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” ~2 Corinthians 4:8-9

W30 food prep, week #9: Yes, I cooked a lot of food for this coming week, but that’s because my Dad is coming to visit!! Although you might think this would be a reason to take a week “off” of food prep, it frees up more time to enjoy each other’s company instead of playing “what do you want to eat” game. Plus, going out so eat with small children makes me tired.

From top left: Chicken soup, roasted cauliflower, roasted asparagus, leftover bacon #BecauseKids, hard boiled eggs, sweet potato “buns” and sausage patties for breakfast “sandwiches”, oven roasted red potatoes, Chinese beef and broccoli, fried cauli-rice, egg drop soup, coleslaw, Waldorf chicken salad and plaintain chips (chunks?)

***

“So, what’s deployment like on the home front?”

“It’s like turning on the water to rinse out the tub (when you are already in your PJs) and forgetting that the shower head is engaged. ?

***

I’m not a math girl, but I just totaled it up and between two very large research papers and a sermon, I’ve written 68 (double-spaced) pages in the last two weeks. With sick kids. During a deployment.

YOU WIN AGAIN, JESUS!

My brain is gooey, my eyeballs are tired, but my heart is glad… BECAUSE I’M OFFICIALLY ON SPRING BREAK!!! #WheresMyUmbrellaDrink#OhWaitWrongSeasonOfLife #SoGratefulImAWordsGirl

Ok, Flat Daddy. While I truly appreciate your moral support as I finalize (and submit!) my final (32 page!!) paper for this class, your blue eyes are distracting me… #CannotFocus #HelloSpringBreak

It really does take a village to raise Tiny Humans (and attempt to maintain some level of sanity and joy) during a deployment. Last week, we handed our small thank yous to the teachers, front office workers of the child development center and Malick’s childcare providers to celebrate the Halfway Done with deployment mark. So interesting how loving on and appreciating others can encourage your own heart!

PS: Thanks to Sarah Mainwaring and her amazing new business Sarah’s Cookie Boutique for these beautiful cookies! If you are local to Dallas ish area, hit her up!

***

Just in case anyone is interested in my current level of adulting: I purchased new floor mats for the Mariner (at Walmart) and I am just this side of giddy. #LivingTheGlamLife

Deployment Log, Day 135:

1. HAPPY HALFWAY-DONE-WITH-THIS-DEPLOYMENT-DAY!

2. Yes, I am yelling with joy.

3. And also yes, I know that it’s the army, so really the numbered days are relative. But at this point, the halfway there point is more psychological than scientific or mathematical. I WILL TAKE IT.

4. For everyone who is like, “It’s all downhill from here!” or “You are almost there!” that’s kinda right. I envision it as making it to the top of the mountain, (I need to catch my breath!) and now we have to walk back down. BUT we still have to do it intentionally with caution. Because I don’t need to blow out a (figurative) deployment knee by going to fast or getting ahead of myself. And I have zero desire to face plant on the way down. #AskMeHowIKnow So we will continue slowly, intentionally and deliberately moving forward. One. Step. At. A. Time. #JustKeepMarching

5. But YAY, halfway there!

6. So far it’s been a good week. Tuesday and Wednesday have been the best couple of days I feel like we have had in WEEKS. Nothing extraordinary, but just generally “normal.” Which is SO welcome right now! And nothing has broken this week (except the garbage disposal. It smells gross, but some Young Living Essential Oils are helping me out there.) #NotAShowStopper

7. Yesterday I did fun adult things. Like buy a new pair of pajamas for myself and a hanging shower caddy thing. I’m living the glam life, yo! Be jealous.

8. The shower caddy wasn’t just for “fun.” It’s because I apparently have a lot of “pump” bottles of shampoo/conditioner. Malick thinks all of it is lotion. So after he smeared it all over his hands, face, got some in his eye and was literally blowing bubbles out of his nose yesterday, I realized I needed to put it all out of reach.

9. This week is a big homework week for me (week 6 of 8 week class). Normally, I get twitchy about this, especially since Monday is my big work/study day but the kids were out of school this week for President’s Day. I’m just trying to chip away and write sections of my paper during nap time and planning on (hopefully) crushing the rest of it tomorrow when I am (God-willing) kid free for a few hours.

10. It snowed in El Paso on Tuesday! It didn’t stick of course, but still made my heart happy. (Sorry to all of my midwestern friends that are sick of snow… Feel free to come to EP to visit/live for the next 4.5 months)

11. But seriously. I would love to fill some gaps on my calendar for grown-uppish visitors for the next few months. Hit me up. EP is lovely. And I will feed you lots of W30 food. Or Goldfish crackers. Whatever you want.

12. I realized the other day that this is not a season for me to overachieve. (Duh). Or really even “achieve.” I just need to CHIEVE (I know, that’s not really a word). This isn’t a time for me to build all the muscle, lose the weight, crush the goals, set PRs, Marie-Kondo my house, teach Charis to read and memorize bible verses… I just want to keep the kids alive and try to make small healthy physical, mental, emotional, spiritual decisions on a daily basis. And on the days when the kids have some extra screen time because #MamaNeedsAMinute or they eat a fruit roll-up for breakfast, that’s ok.

13. Prayer requests: Health/protection for the kids and I (and Brandon… seems like the whole company got sick while they were in the field for the last few weeks), continued psychological/spiritual healing for my loved one that attempted suicide two weeks ago (not a lot of positive developments on that front, so that makes my heart so sad!), that I can find joy in the everyday and can finish my current doctoral class strong with no concern of assignment completion.

14: Parting thought:
“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.” ~Psalm 18:28

It might seem counterintuitive, but I’ve heard that if you are in a challenging season, being generous helps reduce stress. After many conversations with Charis about our homeless neighbors here in El Paso, she asked what we could do to help them. (It was very timely as it was cold earlier this week). Normally, we try to give them a little cash if I have any on me or a “snack” from the console of my car (lately it’s been a pack of tuna fish and a to-go almond butter).

After a long day earlier this week and yet another conversation with Charis about loving our neighbors and being generous, the Holy Spirit prompted me to be a more intentional example for the kids. So we went on an impromptu shopping spree. Then, with Flat Daddy’s help, we made up 10 Generosity kits to carry in the car for those moments when we encounter someone in need. The 2-gallon bag kits include: a jar of peanut butter, socks, stocking cap, tuna packet, chocolate, toothpaste, toothbrush, mints, gum, chapstick, baby wipes, Vienna sausage, juice, fruit cup, moon pies, applesauce, raisins, and a few other items.

Guys. GUYS. Deployment has CHANGED ME! (I used to never even LET the fuel light come on AT ALL…)

Whole 30 Food Prep week #8: GUYS! I am late to the party but now have an Instant Pot ? (Thanks Lex!) I need to think and strategize my menu to include Instant Pot Magic, but I did manage to use it a bit for the first time even with kids underfoot/starving/needing all the things. Nothing blew up so yay!

From top left: Instant Pot beef stew, roasted cauliflower, crispy gizzard/heart confit, madras chicken salad, broccoli bagna cauda, chayote squash cinnamon “apples,” jicama fries, turkey sausage patties and sweet potato “buns” (breakfast sandwich with sweet potato slice, sausage, egg, tomato slice, avocado, w30 mayo and another sweet potato slice… so good I thought Jesus was gonna take me home this morning!!), bacon wrapped asparagus and chicken bone broth.

Life hack: If you need a cake baking/decorating confidence boost, choose a cake that is supposed to look like at pile of dirt. #NailedIt

PS: Flat Daddy thinks we are ready for our own baking special on Netflix. We haven’t landed on a title yet. Maybe “Cooking through Chaos” or “Let’s hope it tastes better than an MRE” or “Please don’t lick the spoon yet.”

PSS: Yes, I fished those trucks out of the sandbox. But rest assured, I ran them through the dishwasher before adding them to the cake. Happy Belated Birthday, Malick!

I don’t always post pictures of my breakfast online, but when I do it’s because it is really pretty AND tastes so good I wonder if Jesus is ‘bout to take me home. #Whole30ForTheWin

PS: And no, I can’t pick this up and eat it like an actual sandwich. It requires knife and fork.

Small dog “fancy meal,” open flame, a kindergartener, an almost-two-year old and Flat Daddy (on a Monday). What could go wrong? Happy 8th Birthday, Sweet Justus!! ? ? ?

My schedule changed last minute today, so I was able to go to a boxing class on post called “Fight Club.” After the challenges of last week, it felt AWESOME to hit things. #SoManyEmotions

I also realized that although I can’t remember my kids/dogs names correctly every day, I do recall most of the boxing techniques I learned 10 years ago during my 5th-year-senior-victory-lap of college. I would tell you more about this “Fight Club” but the number one rule is that we can’t talk about Fight Club. #IveAlreadySaidTooMuch

Happy “Galentine’s” Day, my friends. When hubs is deployed, ya gotta get creative to enjoy the sans-Beloved V-Day blues. So we invited fellow deployed milspouse and battle buddy Ingrid over for spaghetti marinara ? followed by Lady and the Tramp movie night. (Thanks for the great idea, PeterandRebekah Jordan!)

Oh, and after watching this, Flat Daddy agrees that both our households will be adopting new puppies ? ASAP ?

***

Deployment Log, Day 128:

1. Thank you Jesus in heaven that this week has been much better than last week!

2. I feel like I am still reeling from the events of last week, and dealing with all the emotional stuff that comes with a loved one’s suicide attempt. A lot of residual stuff still hanging around and a long journey ahead of this person. It is on my heart every.single.day.

3. We got a new dishwasher last week, and I’m pretty sure when I opened it after the first wash, I heard angels singing.

4. I think that I am seriously adulting now.

5. I was also very excited to buy a new mop after ruining the last one per the toddler’s shattered-bottle-of-nail-polish debacle on Sunday. So. Much. Adulting.

6. Charis and I had a mini slumber party last Saturday because I just NEEDED some happy place time. So she stayed up late and we watched a movie in my room after little brother went to bed. (She still slept in her own bed, because I’m NOT setting THAT precedent. #MamaNeedsHerSpace #AndHerSleep)

7. Charis watched “Coco” for the first time recently. She quickly perfected the “grito” mariachi yell. And promptly taught her little brother. #TheresSomeGoodNews

8. I had a dream that Aunt Jackie randomly showed up on our doorstep and announced she was going to stay for a month. I cried with happiness (Hint, hint…)

9. I got a cold this week. Which was super lame. But praying it’s already on it’s way out so I can still run the El Paso Half Marathon as planned on Sunday.

10. I woke up in a horrible mood yesterday. I didn’t feel well, Malick was in another break-all-the-things mode, a person that I L-O-V-E dearly and was planning to visit TX cancelled the trip to do unforeseen circumstances (It’s normally the highlight of my year!), so I was just epically angry and discouraged.

11. But then… I went to PWOC. And Jesus showed up among my sisters. So very grateful.

12. I’m in better spirits today, and able to see/feel more clearly and fight the enemy when he tries to suck me down into the Abyss of BLAH. (Pretty sure that’s the officially theological term…)

13. I’m continuing the attempt to listen to my body instead of force things per my plans/schedule… Like yesterday afternoon: I had a precious hour of time to myself and normally I go to the gym and lift heavy things. But I was tired and weary (in body and soul). So I treated myself with a non-sugary drink from Starbucks and walked around the thrift shop. Apparently, that’s what I needed.

14. Parenting is weird: One day, the kids won’t eat their favorite meal (spaghetti) because “The noodles taste weird” and the next day the Kindergartener is eating plain tuna fish out of a packet and the two-year-old is eating canned mushrooms.

15. Prayer requests: Complete and total healing for our family, peace that passes understanding as we trudge toward the mid-way point of this deployment, and grace as I parent.

16. Closing thought:
“Shout for joy, you heavens;
rejoice, you earth;
burst into song, you mountains!
For the Lord comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.” ~Isaiah 49:13-16

***

Whole 30 Food Prep, Week #7… I’ve decided that for me, food prep is like cleaning house. If the mood strikes, don’t fight it. Just go with it. (And hooray I don’t have to do this tomorrow!)

Apparently I prepped when I was hungry. I think I’m gonna have leftovers. From top left to right: Liver and onions (Supper #1), Curry-roasted cauliflower, fried plantains, apple-sausage breakfast casserole +guac (breakfast for the week), cracklin’ chicken (first time recipe –> and it turned out like the picture!) (Supper #2), roasted butternut squash + sprouts, oven-baked sweet potatoes, kale chips, baby red mashed potatoes, green beans almondine, flank steak strips (lunch).

***

6:01am…

Me: “MALICK. Stop shredding the toilet paper. YOU ARE NOT A CAT!”

Malick: *Blink* “MEOW.”

***

Throwback to yesterday’s brief convo with the hubs. And they say romance is dead… ??

? Whoa, we’re <almost> halfway there, whoa-oh, livin’ <literally> on a prayer! ?

Cheers to the 80’s-themed Bulldog Brigade summit celebration marking the mid-point of this deployment. #CanIGetAnAmen Our officially-unofficial halfway there mark for our family is just a few days away (it’s the army, so there’s no such thing as an exact science). Flat Daddy wanted to dress up too, but he’s clearly in uniform and per AR 670-1, big hair and excessive decoration are not permitted.

Today’s “Running Truths” brought to you by the El Paso Half Marathon and viewers like you.

Running is such a gift. Why? Because it is the great equalizer. I’ve not always been a runner. I absolutely LOATHED the mile run in school for the Presidential Physical Fitness test because I always came in last. I was overweight, asthmatic and insecure. But now? I run with purpose.

I run with the purpose to glorify God. To watch people of all shapes, size, age, color, athletic ability unite for a common purpose. This morning, I saw somone do the half marathon in a wheelchair. One guy ran the whole thing totally barefoot (WHAT??) There were people ruck marching the half marathon and even one guy was going to ruck the full marathon(!?!?) I watched a mama push her baby in a stroller for 13.1 miles. I saw people in costumes, someone on roller skates (not sure if they were a volunteer or a runner). I laughed out loud at the best sign of the day that said “You are running better than our government.” I hit walls. I coasted down hills. I sweated. I shivered. I prayed. I kept running.

***

*Day after half marathon*

Irrational-Overly-Optimistic-Brain: “Feeling good today. I think yesterday was fun. Maybe next year I should run the full marath…”

Practical Brain: “NO. YOU STOP RIGHT THERE. NO. NO. NO… Well…”

***

Throwback to Sunday (2.17.19): Happy 2nd Birthday, Malick! You have made me laugh harder, move faster (to save you from yourself), made my blood pressure higher (probably– or at least intermittently), house dirtier (all the sand! Handprints! Boogers!), heart fuller, life more exciting, and smile brighter. Be strong in the Lord, little man! We love you!

PS: Pay no attention to the deconstructed/wilted hamburger patty on the table. That’s just our life right now. Imma blame Flat Daddy.

Deployment Log, Day 118:

1. I am using this Facebook status to procrastinate doing homework. Just wanted to be up front.

2. Yay, yay, YAY for this Monday– because nobody woke up sick! (For the first time in a month!)

3. Well, except the car. It’s still functioning but I thought I should be an adult and take it in to see what was wrong with it.

4. I shouldn’t have adulted.

5. Because it’s going to cost about $1200 to get it fixed. BAAAAHHHH! If I didn’t love Jesus so much, I might of cursed upon receiving the estimate. (I did yell, “HOLY CRAP” in phone when the tech called to give me an update).

6. The fixing of said vehicle will take a minimum of 10 (blessed!) hours… Since I’m doing this parenting life solo, I told them they would have to pump the brakes on the repairs until I could get my life organized and arrange rides and do an epic game of “The Carseat Shuffle.” (Not nearly as easy/fun as the Cupid Shuffle).

7. Malick learned how to yell, “MAMA, <where> ARE YOU?!?” last week. It’s cute, like he thinks I’m going to answer and reveal my hiding spot in the closet.

8. Kidding. I don’t hide from the kids in the closet…

9. Well, at least not FREQUENTLY.

10. Charis chooses the most inconvenient times to request things from me. Like when I am power shopping at the grocery store, trying to read labels for W30 ingredients, in a time crunch before needing to pick up Malick… THAT is the exact moment when she’s like, “Mama, teach me Spanish.”

11. And she won’t take no for an answer… So I think our first phrase will be “SILENCIO, MI HIJA!”

12. Brandon is in the field for the next three weeks, so not sure what our communication will look like.

13. I’ve started recording a 1-3 minute end-of-the-day “selfie” video and sending it to him via our chat app. That way, he can watch it at 3am my time if that’s most convenient for him. And plus, it helps me feel connected even if we can’t talk live. (It’s a good therapeutic outlet for me too!)

14. I think this is the “suck” season of deployment. Kind of that blah point in the journey (think of “hitting a wall” in a long run) where we start to question our abilities and want to quit.

15. But quitting isn’t an option. So onward we go!

16. We are about to “jump the curtain” with our Deployment Count-Up “trail” in our house (think: Scrapbook paper “tiles” to make a path all around the living room, numbered with the days). “Jumping the curtain” isn’t quite halfway there, but it means we are getting close and will be shifting to a different part of the room soon. HOORAY!

17. Oh, the dishwasher also died yesterday. So that’s super neat. “I love washing dishes by hand,” said no milspouse of a deployed soldier ever.

18. I’m gonna go adult (again) and do homework now. Dang me and my responsible self. (JK.)

19. Prayer requests: That stuff would stop breaking, that God would help us to financially stay on top of things during this deployment/broken car/etc, for health for the kiddos and continued endurance for all of us!

20. Parting thought: “Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.” ~Psalm 119:116

Oh man. I’ve got some of these peoples in my life right now who are gonna have SO many jewels in their crown when they get to heaven. (Looking at you, Megan Clayburn…)

Deployment Log, Day 122:

1. Friends. This was by far the hardest week so far (Hence the FB radio silence). And not just of this deployment, probably it’s in the top five suckiest of my life. (I promise I’m not being melodramatic here). I’ve spent the last few days trying to decide if/how to share since I want to be authentic in my journey, but obviously desire to respect people’s privacy.

2. Before I continue, please note that the children, my beloved husband and I are fine (well, physically anyways. I’m emotionally spent). Here goes:

3. This week started out a little rocky: Dishwasher broke, car was in the shop ($1200) and instead of taking 10 hrs to fix it took a good like 30 hours. Annoying, frustrating, but hey, it’s deployment. Fine.

4. Then mid-week, it seemed like things kind of emotionally went off the rails. Very long story short, someone close to me who I love very much attempted to take their own life. I was the person they called to pray with beforehand (I clarified that this individual was not going to harm themselves) but unfortunately, that was not the truth.

5. By the ABSOLUTE GRACE OF GOD, the suicide attempt was NOT successful.

6. However, I’ve spent the last few days praying, fasting, crying and trying to help this person help themselves and get treatment, all long distance. And honestly, I’m still kind of clueless as to the “next steps.” (Yes, I know I can’t “fix” this and can’t force this person to do anything. But I’m not above begging, pleading and most of all, praying).

7. Needless to say, I’ve been an intermittent emotional wreck the last several days. (And if anyone says I shouldn’t be sharing this, ok. But I have struggled with MY mental health before, and although I have never had genuine suicidal ideations, I refuse to be silent about this occurrence. I will not let this stay in the dark, adhering to the “stigma” that our world assigns to mental health issues. Plus, this person made it “my business” when they called me then made the choice to pull the trigger.

8. However, in all the mess, I think it was a good thing for the kids to see me cry. Charis wasn’t afraid of my emotions, and is a great comforter. Good hugger, prayer and kleenex hander.

9. BUT all of this made me miss my husband like nothing else. Because he’s great in these situation and his presence is a comfort.

10. Oh, and just because mascara says it’s “waterproof” does not mean “tear-proof.” I wore a lot of make-up yesterday in an attempt to “keep calm and soldier on” but after some less than ideal developments with the suicide attempt situation, I cried it all off in the three hours before bedtime.

11. I woke up with an emotional hang over today.

12. Did I mention that Charis woke up with Round THREE(!?!?!) of Strep on Thursday. But in order to keep me from completely being crushed, I implemented “mandatory fun” for the two of us after the doc appt. So she got her own library card. YAY!

13. Her doc referred us to an ENT specialist. So we have an appt for April 3. #UmSuperNotHelpfulYo

14. For the second half of this week, I feel like I have been walking around, looking up to heaven and asking God what in the literal “hell” is going on here.

15. BUT (We serve a God of big buts!) BUT GOD… has been present in all of this. First of all, the fact that this person “missed” and the attempt was not a success simply cannot be overstated. My friend Megan was already at my house that night for our normal girls-date night, so she helped me parent the children as I wept and called people on the phone. I’ve felt such love and support from my friends and church framily here in El Paso… It felt like half the state of Texas was praying and fasting with me! God provided peace and comfort in ways that I never would have thought possible.

16. I’m not sure what the future holds for this person who is dealing with very dark places in their heart/mind, but you can bet all your Jesus dollars that I will NOT stop praying. God is a God of miracles, and His plans are good for those who love him!!

17. Friends, FRIENDS.. HEAR ME WHEN I SAY… If you are at all struggling with your mental health YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. For the (literal) love of God, please, please, PLEASE say something. There is always hope. There is always help.

The Suicide Prevention Line is available 24/7. CALL THEM.
1-800-273-8255.

DO NOT listen to the lies of the enemy. This world is not better off without you. Suicide doesn’t just take one life… It can destroy so many lives around you. Don’t make a permanent decision based on temporary issues or challenges.

18. I’m looking forward to a new week. I will be working through all of this with my counselor next week. I will continue taking my own “happy pills” for the rest of my life if that is what it takes. The stigma around mental health WILL NOT continue with my story. (To read more about my struggle with Anxiety/Depression and asking for help, see the blog link in the comments).

19. Praise God for his provision, strength and resilience.

20. Prayer request: For healing and restoration of this individual, for this person to truly understand the love of Christ and how precious this person is to Him in His sight, to really get a grasp on how much people in this world love/need this person, for emotional strength/recovery for me so that I can continue parenting my precious children in my Beloved Husband’s absence.

21: Closing thought:
“Lord, be gracious to us;
we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
our salvation in time of distress.” ~Isaiah 33:2

Yesterday’s Whole30 food prep for week #6, from top left to right: Crispy smash chicken, spaghetti marinara with zoodles, madras chicken salad, sweet potato “chips” (oven-baked), broccoli bagna cauda (yes, it has anchovies in it but tastes awesome!), butternut squash, coleslaw, and for breakfast, salmon with poached eggs. So glad I mass-prep food so that if I have a hard week (like last week) I don’t end up making poor food choices and make my physical/emotional state worse. ❤️

Toddler for sale: Outgoing child, laughs easily and good eater. Upon finalizing the sale, previous owner is not responsible for future damages to life, limb or property, including but not limited to when you are ready to walk out the door for Homegroup, planning to arrive early because last week was a hard week and need extra time with your people, and said toddler decides to launch a brand new bottle of his sister’s nail polish (from the Just-opened deployment blessing box package) across the kitchen floor, splattering polish and glass within a 25 foot radius, only 90 minutes after the current owner, who of course is wearing a white dress, just finished sweeping the floor.

Recommended supplies for toddler include industrial strength broom/mop, plenty of cleaning supplies and Jesus.

Serious inquiries only. Act now, and included with your purchase (at no extra charge) will be the 14 pound dog who decided to run through the fresh splatter of purple nail polish and track it down the hall.

But you know what? I’m gonna feel the feelings because I feel like that’s the healthy thing to do. Then I WILL be grateful. Grateful for a few hours to just BE. Grateful I get to spend part of tonight with my loving church family. Grateful for my ability to work out. And grateful that I remembered to wear my dangly, glittery, pretty earrings today.