Miscommunication. It is one of those seemingly insignificant aspects of our life that remains insignificant until it actually happens and you and your spouse are engaged in a no-rules-who-will-tap-out-first-cage-match situation.
Not that I would know, of course. I mean, Brandon and I communicate perfectly. Flawlessly. We communicate so well, it is practically an art form in our house.
OR NOT.
Photo via Paul Shanks @ Flickr
Seriously. Men and women communicating, especially within a marriage takes tons and tons of practice. There are a few reasons for this:
1. Communication in general is not an easy skill to master.
2. Men and women’s brains are set up differently– Men’s brains are composed of individual boxes, women’s are one big ball of jumbled wire.
3. There are a lot more aspects to communication than just the words.
Ok. Let’s buckle up and break this down.
A majority of the conflict in our marriage primarily stems from communication– or lack thereof. I make a nonchalant statement saying we really should work on the laundry this weekend… My beloved just hears me making conversation and usually doesn’t take it as a request. Then I get all fired up when the laundry is piled to the ceiling on Sunday night.
Or Brandon says something like “Would you help me shut things down for the night so we can go to bed?” and my weirdo-woman translator in my brain hears something that resembles “You don’t do enough for our family– you need to step it up.”
Crazy, right? But it is true.
The words we say, the tone with which we say them and the context in which they are said make all the difference if the evening is going to end with cuddling on the couch watching a movie eating pop corn or “discussing” our miscommunication issues in the aforementioned cage match.
It can get messy. But it doesn’t have to be a make or break situation. So as we continue to talk about how to build a Christ-like marriage, let’s check out some tips to deal with the communication challenge.
1. Pray to understand each other’s brains. You might laugh at this suggestion, but I am not even kidding. God designed men and women differently on purpose. He wants to be part of our marriage, so we should come to Him asking for wisdom and discernment on how best to love and understand our spouse. And don’t be afraid to actually learn about each other– not just as time goes by, but be intentional. Read the Bible together, do a marriage class or watch a video (Mark Gungor is one of our favorites.)
2. Don’t assume or jump to conclusions. This is one that I have to tell my woman brain all the time. While I can’t speak for all men, I would say that my husband typically says what he means– and that is it. There is no underlying insinuation about me, my character or my role as a wife/mom. When my husband says “We are out of milk” he isn’t saying “You fail as the maintainer of this household” (as my brain so often might interpret) but he really is just saying “Hey, we are out of milk.”
3. When in doubt, ask for clarification. You might have guessed that I am the talker in the family. (I know, huge surprise, right? I will give you a moment to pick your jaw up off the ground.) So yeah, I talk a lot. Sometimes when I am sharing an important story or leaving instructions for my husband, the big important points might get a little lost in the shuffle. This is the point when my man should ask, “So you want me to clean out the dishwasher, take out the trash and start the laundry while you are gone, right?” Then I can easily confirm it and avoid any frustration or exasperation when I return home and the dishes/trash/laundry are still waiting for me.
4. Don’t just hear– listen. This is a big one. There is a huge difference between hearing and listening. Just think about when you are working out or driving down the road with the radio on. Most of the time, I don’t really listen– I am just hearing the noise. Unfortunately, “hearing the noise” doesn’t really help with the communication process in marriage. Listening is where it is at. That is when things go deeper than the words. We can listen to tone, speed, see facial expression, everything. When Brandon is really listening to me, he knows that a quick sharp response of “FINE” from me is not just fine… but some where a wire got crossed that needs to be fixed by both of us.
5. Know that Satan is ready to toss gasoline on any misspoken or misunderstood conversation at any moment. Sigh. I hate this one but it is so important to understand and recognize how the enemy is ready to strike. It says in the bible that our tongue can be like a double-edged sword. And Satan knows that our own words are the perfect weapon to try to kill, steal and destroy within marriage. So when something small like a miscommunication issue starts to get heated, take a JTO– Jesus Time Out– pray and come back a bit calmer and with grace-filled words.
Again friends, I could probably write an entire series just on communication alone. This is just brushing the surface, but hopefully it will get you thinking on how Christ communicated and we can apply that to marriage. Yes, sometimes He spoke hard truths, but He always spoke that hard truth with grace and rooted in love and concern for the recipient. We should absolutely do the same to our spouse.
So: In what areas of your life and/or marriage do you struggle with miscommunication the most? How do you remedy it? Leave a comment here.
Take heart and remember that building a Christ-like marriage is a process… Ask God to equip you to add that block of communication to your growing relationship and before you know it, when someone says “We are out of milk” that is exactly what we hear– no more, no less.
For where there is adequate communication, there is easily accessible love.
Communicating in Christ,
Linking up today with Kelli via Unforced Rhythms, Laura at Playdates with God, and Joan’s Beauty in His Grip. Oh! And be sure to join our #EverydayJesus link-up community right here at 7 Days Time every Thursday!
