Deployment Log, Day 118:
1. I am using this Facebook status to procrastinate doing homework. Just wanted to be up front.
2. Yay, yay, YAY for this Monday– because nobody woke up sick! (For the first time in a month!)
3. Well, except the car. It’s still functioning but I thought I should be an adult and take it in to see what was wrong with it.
4. I shouldn’t have adulted.
5. Because it’s going to cost about $1200 to get it fixed. BAAAAHHHH! If I didn’t love Jesus so much, I might of cursed upon receiving the estimate. (I did yell, “HOLY CRAP” in phone when the tech called to give me an update).
6. The fixing of said vehicle will take a minimum of 10 (blessed!) hours… Since I’m doing this parenting life solo, I told them they would have to pump the brakes on the repairs until I could get my life organized and arrange rides and do an epic game of “The Carseat Shuffle.” (Not nearly as easy/fun as the Cupid Shuffle).
7. Malick learned how to yell, “MAMA, <where> ARE YOU?!?” last week. It’s cute, like he thinks I’m going to answer and reveal my hiding spot in the closet.
8. Kidding. I don’t hide from the kids in the closet…
9. Well, at least not FREQUENTLY.
10. Charis chooses the most inconvenient times to request things from me. Like when I am power shopping at the grocery store, trying to read labels for W30 ingredients, in a time crunch before needing to pick up Malick… THAT is the exact moment when she’s like, “Mama, teach me Spanish.”
11. And she won’t take no for an answer… So I think our first phrase will be “SILENCIO, MI HIJA!”
12. Brandon is in the field for the next three weeks, so not sure what our communication will look like.
13. I’ve started recording a 1-3 minute end-of-the-day “selfie” video and sending it to him via our chat app. That way, he can watch it at 3am my time if that’s most convenient for him. And plus, it helps me feel connected even if we can’t talk live. (It’s a good therapeutic outlet for me too!)
14. I think this is the “suck” season of deployment. Kind of that blah point in the journey (think of “hitting a wall” in a long run) where we start to question our abilities and want to quit.
15. But quitting isn’t an option. So onward we go!
16. We are about to “jump the curtain” with our Deployment Count-Up “trail” in our house (think: Scrapbook paper “tiles” to make a path all around the living room, numbered with the days). “Jumping the curtain” isn’t quite halfway there, but it means we are getting close and will be shifting to a different part of the room soon. HOORAY!
17. Oh, the dishwasher also died yesterday. So that’s super neat. “I love washing dishes by hand,” said no milspouse of a deployed soldier ever.
18. I’m gonna go adult (again) and do homework now. Dang me and my responsible self. (JK.)
19. Prayer requests: That stuff would stop breaking, that God would help us to financially stay on top of things during this deployment/broken car/etc, for health for the kiddos and continued endurance for all of us!
20. Parting thought: “Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.” ~Psalm 119:116
Oh man. I’ve got some of these peoples in my life right now who are gonna have SO many jewels in their crown when they get to heaven. (Looking at you, Megan Clayburn…)
Deployment Log, Day 122:
1. Friends. This was by far the hardest week so far (Hence the FB radio silence). And not just of this deployment, probably it’s in the top five suckiest of my life. (I promise I’m not being melodramatic here). I’ve spent the last few days trying to decide if/how to share since I want to be authentic in my journey, but obviously desire to respect people’s privacy.
2. Before I continue, please note that the children, my beloved husband and I are fine (well, physically anyways. I’m emotionally spent). Here goes:
3. This week started out a little rocky: Dishwasher broke, car was in the shop ($1200) and instead of taking 10 hrs to fix it took a good like 30 hours. Annoying, frustrating, but hey, it’s deployment. Fine.
4. Then mid-week, it seemed like things kind of emotionally went off the rails. Very long story short, someone close to me who I love very much attempted to take their own life. I was the person they called to pray with beforehand (I clarified that this individual was not going to harm themselves) but unfortunately, that was not the truth.
5. By the ABSOLUTE GRACE OF GOD, the suicide attempt was NOT successful.
6. However, I’ve spent the last few days praying, fasting, crying and trying to help this person help themselves and get treatment, all long distance. And honestly, I’m still kind of clueless as to the “next steps.” (Yes, I know I can’t “fix” this and can’t force this person to do anything. But I’m not above begging, pleading and most of all, praying).
7. Needless to say, I’ve been an intermittent emotional wreck the last several days. (And if anyone says I shouldn’t be sharing this, ok. But I have struggled with MY mental health before, and although I have never had genuine suicidal ideations, I refuse to be silent about this occurrence. I will not let this stay in the dark, adhering to the “stigma” that our world assigns to mental health issues. Plus, this person made it “my business” when they called me then made the choice to pull the trigger.
8. However, in all the mess, I think it was a good thing for the kids to see me cry. Charis wasn’t afraid of my emotions, and is a great comforter. Good hugger, prayer and kleenex hander.
9. BUT all of this made me miss my husband like nothing else. Because he’s great in these situation and his presence is a comfort.
10. Oh, and just because mascara says it’s “waterproof” does not mean “tear-proof.” I wore a lot of make-up yesterday in an attempt to “keep calm and soldier on” but after some less than ideal developments with the suicide attempt situation, I cried it all off in the three hours before bedtime.
11. I woke up with an emotional hang over today.
12. Did I mention that Charis woke up with Round THREE(!?!?!) of Strep on Thursday. But in order to keep me from completely being crushed, I implemented “mandatory fun” for the two of us after the doc appt. So she got her own library card. YAY!
13. Her doc referred us to an ENT specialist. So we have an appt for April 3. #UmSuperNotHelpfulYo
14. For the second half of this week, I feel like I have been walking around, looking up to heaven and asking God what in the literal “hell” is going on here.
15. BUT (We serve a God of big buts!) BUT GOD… has been present in all of this. First of all, the fact that this person “missed” and the attempt was not a success simply cannot be overstated. My friend Megan was already at my house that night for our normal girls-date night, so she helped me parent the children as I wept and called people on the phone. I’ve felt such love and support from my friends and church framily here in El Paso… It felt like half the state of Texas was praying and fasting with me! God provided peace and comfort in ways that I never would have thought possible.
16. I’m not sure what the future holds for this person who is dealing with very dark places in their heart/mind, but you can bet all your Jesus dollars that I will NOT stop praying. God is a God of miracles, and His plans are good for those who love him!!
17. Friends, FRIENDS.. HEAR ME WHEN I SAY… If you are at all struggling with your mental health YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. For the (literal) love of God, please, please, PLEASE say something. There is always hope. There is always help.
The Suicide Prevention Line is available 24/7. CALL THEM.
1-800-273-8255.
DO NOT listen to the lies of the enemy. This world is not better off without you. Suicide doesn’t just take one life… It can destroy so many lives around you. Don’t make a permanent decision based on temporary issues or challenges.
18. I’m looking forward to a new week. I will be working through all of this with my counselor next week. I will continue taking my own “happy pills” for the rest of my life if that is what it takes. The stigma around mental health WILL NOT continue with my story. (To read more about my struggle with Anxiety/Depression and asking for help, see the blog link in the comments).
19. Praise God for his provision, strength and resilience.
20. Prayer request: For healing and restoration of this individual, for this person to truly understand the love of Christ and how precious this person is to Him in His sight, to really get a grasp on how much people in this world love/need this person, for emotional strength/recovery for me so that I can continue parenting my precious children in my Beloved Husband’s absence.
21: Closing thought:
“Lord, be gracious to us;
we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
our salvation in time of distress.” ~Isaiah 33:2
Yesterday’s Whole30 food prep for week #6, from top left to right: Crispy smash chicken, spaghetti marinara with zoodles, madras chicken salad, sweet potato “chips” (oven-baked), broccoli bagna cauda (yes, it has anchovies in it but tastes awesome!), butternut squash, coleslaw, and for breakfast, salmon with poached eggs. So glad I mass-prep food so that if I have a hard week (like last week) I don’t end up making poor food choices and make my physical/emotional state worse. ❤️
Toddler for sale: Outgoing child, laughs easily and good eater. Upon finalizing the sale, previous owner is not responsible for future damages to life, limb or property, including but not limited to when you are ready to walk out the door for Homegroup, planning to arrive early because last week was a hard week and need extra time with your people, and said toddler decides to launch a brand new bottle of his sister’s nail polish (from the Just-opened deployment blessing box package) across the kitchen floor, splattering polish and glass within a 25 foot radius, only 90 minutes after the current owner, who of course is wearing a white dress, just finished sweeping the floor.
Recommended supplies for toddler include industrial strength broom/mop, plenty of cleaning supplies and Jesus.
Serious inquiries only. Act now, and included with your purchase (at no extra charge) will be the 14 pound dog who decided to run through the fresh splatter of purple nail polish and track it down the hall.
