miscarriage

Operation: Fortitude Fitness (Month #3)

Oh dearest readers… March was certainly “a month” for the Knobloch family. I have always hear that it was supposed to come in like a lion, out like a lamb (or visa versa.)

But for me, it kind of felt like the whole month was one big ol’ roaring lion. Baring it’s teeth. In my grill. Chasing me down the street.

However… It didn’t catch me! The Lamb seemed to save me. (Jesus = Lamb. Get it? Look at me go with my play on words. Whew.)

We are kicking off a new month (and that’s no April fool’s joke) so it is time to start fresh. But in the meantime, here is my accountability update from my “Smart” changes for 2012. (Read the Original Post here.)

SMART Change #1: Operation Fort-itude Fitness.  In short, my goal for 2012 is to log 98 miles per month via biking, swimming, running, elliptical etc to “travel” from Fort Benning, Georgia to Fort Riley, Kansas. Also, in order to stay on track with my strength training, I needed to do 2,500 various reps per month. As of last update, I had logged 306 miles Jan-Feb and “arrived” in Wallerville, Mississippi.

RESULT: GOAL MET… Sorta. I fell short on reps this month with only 2,100. But even with being exhausted from pregnancy and the subsequent miscarriage recovery, I did manage to still log 117 miles. Granted, most of these were walking or on the stationary bike. But I am extending some grace to myself this month (a task harder for me to do than running 5k!) and chalking March up to one of my most challenging, emotionally draining months of my 26 years on this earth.  I am now Turrell, Arkansas and have traveled 423 miles in 3 months. Gonna count that as a win!  America!

SMART Change #2: Spend at least one hour per day in the Lord’s presence by using my new Jesus Calling Devotional and studying the accompanying Scripture. I will also continue to keep a prayer request list in a notebook and/or iPad.

RESULT: GOAL MET!!   Honestly folks, this goal was even harder to achieve than the above physical challenge. Not only did I have company staying with us for about 12 days this month which kind of squiggled up my schedule a bit, but losing the baby didn’t help at all. I was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted for several days… And if I am being perfectly honest (which I always try to do in my posts) I was pretty ticked off at the Lord for a few days and really didn’t WANT to meet with Him, let alone talk to Him and spend precious quiet time together.

But I did… Many days during my quiet time, I read Jesus Calling, then cried and cried at the feet of Jesus from my red recliner rocking chair. He always had something to say to me and my quiet time is helping immensely in the healing process. Plus… I still pray every day for the folks in my iPad prayer app. It helps me keep a larger perspective of God’s plan and helps me to be commune with Him.

SMART Change #3: Complete my 1000 Gift List (inspired by Ann Voskamp’s book) by the end of 2012.

RESULT: ON GOING  I am downright shocked at the progress I made on this one, dear readers. I guess Jesus really has a hold on me. It was one of the toughest months of my life… and at last update, I was at #571…  I am now at #684. For all of you non-math folks out there (like me) that is 113 new things to be thankful for added to my list in one month. In the midst of crisis and heartbreak. Talk about digging the gifts out of the crevices and finding the blessing in the “ugly beautiful!” Praise Jesus :-)

SMART Change #4:   Memorize a book of the Bible, starting with 1 John.

RESULT: ON GOING Uh, yeah… bout that. I made it to 1 John 3:3 (three whopping verses farther than last month) the things kind of bottomed out. Memorizing was put on a hold this month… No excuses, but considering that the day after I miscarried it took a hot minute to remember how to make a sandwich, I’m gonna play the self-grace card on this one too.

SMART Change #5: Ruthlessly Eliminate Hurry and submit to God DAILY in all areas of my life.

RESULT: ON GOING This was the most drastically improved of all the goals this month. God FORCED me physically to slow down… as in, I barely did anything for three days after our loss except cry, text and hug on my husband. In my mandatory slow down time (which is still in progress, BTW) I have been able to listen to and submit to God on the deepest level thus far in my life.  As much as I wish that God’s plan for March 2012 was different, I can’t help but feel His generous blessings flowing over us in our experience of ruthlessly eliminating hurry and submission. After all… “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.” (Matt. 5:3 MSG) 

So today’s moral of the story: Goals are awesome. They really are. Everyone should have some. But sometimes, we need grace more than goals. Have you been in that position before? I would love to hear you recount of grace vs. goals– leave a comment here.

Thanks for all of the support, love and prayers you all have been sending our way last month. While our bodies and emotions have been tired, our faith has never been stronger and more energized. What an interesting fitness blessing, huh?

“Marching” onward,
SGK

“…We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” –Romans 5:3-4

Categories: accomplishment, America, Ann Voskamp, blessings, dependence, fitness, goals, God, living, miscarriage | Tags: , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Even Though…

God’s plan is perfect… Even though it can hurt like hell.

Last Wednesday, we lost the baby.

This is something I would not wish on anyone. I have never experienced so many emotions coupled with shock, denial and utter exhaustion in my entire life.

God’s ways are always good… Even though we don’t understand.

I finally got a chance to tell my husband about our loss on Friday, at which point he decided to come home from Ranger school… A decision for which I could not be more grateful. I have never loved him more.

We can always trust fully in God… Even though it takes every last ounce of our strength.

It’s only been a few days, but already I feel like I could write an entire book about this heart-wrenching experience. But today, I rejoice in the fact that God has been alongside us, every step of the way.

God is always with us and never forsakes… Even though our vision might be clouded by tears.

As I lay by myself staring at the white ceiling in the emergency room last Wednesday, God was with me. I could feel Him. While I could barely remember my husband’s middle name or my phone number, God continued to remind me of His everlasting word.

God’s words are true and everlasting… Even though they can sometimes seem impossible to embrace.

It didn’t matter if I was between sobs or gasping for breath as I cried… His words kept coming to mind… words such as Romans 12:15– “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.” Or 2 Corinthians 1 as he is the God of all Comfort. And especially Habakkuk 3:17-18:

Even though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
Even though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
Even though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, 
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

God never gives us more than we can bear… Even though it can feel as if the weight of the world is crushing our heart.

Over the last few days, God has kept showing up, some moments more clearly than others. He showed up when in the form of the family members that listened to me sob on the other end of the phone. Or  in the form of the friends that stopped by to check in and make sure I was eating. Or the fact that the nurse that was with me on Wednesday turned out to be an ordained minister. And God is with us now through  the literal hundreds of people that are praying for us.

There is nothing greater than God’s grace… Even though the current trial seems impossible to handle.

My beloved Brandon and I’s hearts are broken… but we take great solace in the fact that our little Baby Angel is safe in the arms of Jesus. What a lucky, lucky little baby.

So… Even though our nursery will remain as our office for a while longer, and even though the baby gifts will remain hidden in the corner of a closet, and even though we won’t hold that little one in our arms until we reach heaven’s gate… yet we WILL rejoice in the Lord, we will be joyful in God our Savior.

Thankful for the other side of the “Even Thoughs,”

SGK

 ”Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” –Matthew 5:4

Categories: empty, God, miscarriage, pain | Tags: , , , , , | 38 Comments

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